Monday, October 10, 2005

Hair today, boing tomorrow!

You know from reading previous posts at this site that I am not beyond chuckling (maybe???) at the plight we call aging - particularly as relates to the male perspective on such things. So here we go again. I have to admit that it distresses me somewhat to admit that one of the more "proud" parts of my anatomy anymore (if you catch my drift) are some of the stray hairs I seem to have developed, and distributed to many diverse and unexpected body parts, as I have aged. I have hairs growing on my ears that stand at such rapt attention, one would not at all be surprised to find them in the Queen's Honor Guard (only a small stretch of the imagination).

Although I am not totally sure I am the first to have the thought, I have in recent years concluded, there's no such thing as male pattern baldness! Based on my aging experience, and that of many others with whom I have compared notes about such things, what really happens to the hair that escapes its original lofty location (read: top of head) is that
it simply migrates to another location! I know you know what I am talking about. Just look at guys my age. Sure, it may be getting thin, or even invisible, on top, but look at all the impressive patches of hair that have sprung up, simply everywhere. Okay, I won't embarrass any of my pals, so we'll just use me as an example.

Do you realize my eyebrows are now more lush, more glorious, and require more shampooing and conditioning than my "official" hair? No, I am not kidding. And on top of all that, I have to trim them way more often than I need a haircut (weekly at the very least versus every month and a half or so).

Then there's the aforementioned ear hairs. Not only are they stiff as a board, they grow at enormous speed, have a beautiful brown luster closely matching my moustache (from years gone by, way back before I ever tried and then gave up on a "fantastic" age cheater called Just for Men for Moustaches and Beards, and finally shaved it because it was so white you couldn't see it). And quite frankly, though I truly hate to admit it, I even think they wax better!

Need additional proof that my theory is valid? Okay, how about nose hairs in old guys? You know it's true. Just look at some of us aging dudes. Unless we have displayed the utmost in disciplined grooming, any view toward our noses on any given day could easily find our family and friends saying, "Go immediately to the bathroom and look in the mirror." Though I am fairly convinced growing a moustache is no longer logical for me due to the invisibility issue I mentioned earlier in this posting, I am just as convinced that if called to do so, I could approximate a moustache in extremely short order via some manner of comb down strategy - and on top of all that, I wouldn't have to resort to Just for Men for Moustaches and Beards, because it, like my other migrating hair, seems to have reclaimed its original color and luster with no need for artificial help.

Then there's that patch of hair I seem to have sprung on my backside, just slightly south of the well know plumber's view you may have heard about. If you were to take a gander at that outcropping ... oh, never mind - maybe good taste and decorum says I shouldn't take you there! Regardless, I am certain my theory holds water and expect you will agree if you think about it.

Tuesday, September 27, 2005

Good news about Michael Moore?

I heard a rumor about Michael Moore and plans he's made for New Orleans - obviously another place where he and his camera can film and attempt to redefine history through his particular view of "reality." It seems he wanted to shoot another documentary as only he can - this one about Katrina, and how, of course, the entire event and its aftermath was the doing of George Bush in particular and the Republican party in general.

Upon arriving, he soon learned, there were so few people actually in New Orleans, and so little technical help available to put together such a film, it would possibly take a year, maybe more, to complete such an undertaking.

Well, Michael Moore being the fine, upstanding young man he is didn't want to leave without doing something positive for New Orleans, so he made a few calls to some of his close confidants, and apparently came up with a plan to "make a difference."

Here's what I have heard. Seems he called up Ted Kennedy and George Soros, who volunteered to come down and help. The three of them are going to haul their fat asses over to that breached levy, plop their butts down, and plug up the leaks, so that ward can dry out.

The rumor goes on to say, Moore also enlisted a lot of additional allies to join his grand scheme. Jesse Jackson and his Rainbow Coalition chorus will be performing inspirational songs every two hours, and collecting funds from passersby to help continue the noble efforts of this collection of left thinking Americans. Charlie Rangel and Hillary Clinton have volunteered to be fund raisers and network correspondents, to make sure the mainstream media gets everything correct in how they handle this emerging story.

Wait, there's more. Sean Penn and Barbara Streisand have signed on to film and produce the small screen fund raising tribute to this magnificent attempt, with Sean handling international distribution of the finished product, and Babs handling the domestic distribution.

And last but certainly not least, Louis Farrakhan and the Nation of Islam have agreed to provide security for this project, with their chief mission being the establishment of an ongoing, underwater team, whose function is to continuously swim below the water line and make sure that George Bush and his team have no future opportunities to blow up the levy like they did this time.


Again, I must admit, I know this is a rumor. I don't plan on this going beyond you and me until you have supplied me with confirming information.

Sunday, September 18, 2005

On striving to be average

I've really never liked the word average. It smells of mediocrity and not trying. It sounds like, "I am just trying to fit in - trying not to make waves by calling attention to myself."

And I wonder how our country views striving to be average these days? Striving to be politically correct? Striving not to make waves? Striving to not show anyone up?

Are there still high performers out there in all areas of commerce, education, sports, political life, arts & entertainment? Are there still people out there who want to win every time, at anything they try? Does the USA still have that trait in its DNA, or has the Political Far Left beat that out of our national psyche with their non-stop blathering about, "Why can't we just all get along and fit in?"

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

On poots, pimples & progressive problems

It's no secret that the male of the human species tends to find things bodily (passing gas regardless of expulsion method or direction or in whose company, funny noises made via inappropriate use of body parts, gouges/gashes/cuts as long as they belong to someone else, and other logically distasteful things) funnier on average than the female of the human species. And as surprising as it might seem, based on my experience (not that I'm old you understand), aging doesn't seem to change either's view on any of this.

Then there's the surprising little things that happen as you age in a dermatological frame of reference. I have things growing on me now with names longer than my arm, and no apparent use other than to irritate, worry, inspire visits to medical specialists who cost lots of money, or provide yet another source of easily understandable humor to the male of the human species, while disgusting the female of the human species.

And what is it with this onset of pimples (or something???) I seem to be suffering on my backside - near that particularly comfortable sitting mechanism we all have, if you know what I mean. It is unusually disturbing for me to gaze upon, as that particular part of my aging anatomy seems to have held up much better than a few other parts, and in fact, may be near teenage looking in its appearance, thus making the thought of an acne outbreak on such a pristine piece of real estate something I really don't want to think about much.

Monday, September 12, 2005

The humor of the prostate

I find aging, aside from being significantly painful, funny. Numerous men I know close to my age (50's) share many maladies - cannot see, cannot hear, cannot remember, cannot this, cannot that. But the one thing most of us can do is dribble (and no, I am not talking about Dr. Naismith's game).

Because of this little "issue" much humor is there for the savoring, as fellow sufferers share their approaches for dealing with this issue. Perhaps one of the more common ways of facing this issue is by inventing funny analogies comparing present "shame" to younger "glory" when it comes to such things.

One that comes immediately to mind is a remark a business colleague shared with me several years back while chuckling about the hand aging had dealt. As he wrapped up his business for the moment, he turned to me and said, "You know, when I was young, it went off like a garden hose, but now it's more like a lawn sprinkler!" Upon hearing this, I got extremely tickled, lost my place so to speak, and had to start over again (coincidentally, another issue we older guys enjoy).

Sunday, September 11, 2005

September 11, 2005 - four years since "9/11"

Fox News broadcast a 9/11 retrospective this morning. It brought back lots of painful memories, but also reminded me of the continuing threat and challenge Radical Islam poses to the civilized world. Though I think significant progress has been made in thwarting some of Radical Islam's drive to destroy civilization, I wonder how much more could have been accomplished had it not been for our Political Radical Left's continuing campaign to undermine what we are trying to do.